What Kind of Relationship

John 15:9-17

[Jesus continued…] “As the Father has loved me, so I have loved you; abide in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love. I have said these things to you so that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be complete.

‘This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. No one has greater love than this, to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you. I do not call you servants* any longer, because the servant* does not know what the master is doing; but I have called you friends, because I have made known to you everything that I have heard from my Father.

You did not choose me but I chose you. And I appointed you to go and bear fruit, fruit that will last, so that the Father will give you whatever you ask him in my name. I am giving you these commands so that you may love one another.”

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It was 2012, the evening of Easter. I was a senior in high school. Katelyn had spent the day with me and my family going to church and then for Easter lunch. We had been spending a lot of time together, we both knew there was interest, but we (or perhaps more accurately I) still thought we were in the talking phase, still figuring things out. As we got in the car, I could tell something was wrong, so I asked. And I’m not sure I was ready for the response: so what are we, Cogan? We’ve gone on dates now, I spend all day with your family, what are we? Ah, the moment had come. Time to define the relationship. I was headed to Valpo in the fall while Katelyn would finish her senior year. Would we continue? Or at least try? What kind of relationship was this?

Maybe you’ve been there and had a similar conversation. Defining the relationship happens in the liminal space between acquaintance and closeness. It is a mark of intimacy and trust that was not in the relationship before. This conversation happens because someone in the relationship feels like they aren’t on the same page as the other and there’s a need for clarification.

Or a fast approaching change spurs on the conversation like graduation or moving. And its usually a difficult conversation to have: it risks vulnerability, rejection, but it also could result in deeper companionship and love. We always hear and maybe even say it ourselves that faith, Christianity is about a relationship with Jesus. And that’s true it is, even if you don’t often use or feel the most comfortable with that language. But what kind of relationship is it?

We have all kinds of relationships: think about the varying kinds with your family, or colleagues, or neighbors, or friends. I have a relationship with my neighbor Jo that consists mostly of friendly waves. I have a relationship with Clive, my son, which also has friendly waves. But these relationships are not the same. So what kind of relationship do we share with Jesus? Luckily, he tells us what kind in this passage today.

Toward the end of dinner with his disciples, Jesus thinks it's time to define the relationship. Nothing like a crucifixion to force the conversation. However, Jesus doesn’t really do the DTR the way relationship experts and their articles say. Usually, it’s not a good idea for one person to state what the relationship was and then proclaim it to be something different. It’s something best done or decided on together through Communication, questions, and active listening. Jesus does none of that. Instead, Jesus informs the disciples that their relationship was a master/slave relationship.

In the time of Jesus, master/slave relationships were marked by command, ignorance, and obedience. The master said what to do. The slave, not knowing the details of the task he was doing, simply obeyed out of fear of punishment. This according to Jesus was the one-way relationship between him and his disciples. But something changed. “No longer are you slaves”, Jesus says, “you are my friends.” And ever since these words were written, people have been arguing over what they mean. Some say Jesus didn’t really make them “friends”.

The disciples are still servants, but the good kind, no longer motivated by fear, but motivated out of a desire to make the master happy. But I don’t think that’s the case. Rather, Jesus’ statement is clearly one of manumission, release from slavery, and freedom into a new kind of relationship, namely friendship.

And they are friends because of the knowledge Jesus has shared with them. He’s told them everything he has received from God about his mission and ministry on earth, his death and resurrection, his plan of redemption for the whole world. And the disciples will remain friends if they do what Jesus commands.

Now you might say, “I thought that giving commands was a marker of the old master/slave, one-way relationship. Why can Jesus still give commands to the disciples if they are friends and does it work the other way around? Can the disciples give commands of Jesus?

If we think about our own relationships, we know that servitude is not incompatible with friendship. No, it's quite the opposite, they often go hand in hand. And the more intimate the relationship, the more commands are given. If Katelyn, my wife but also my best friend, says the grass is tall, mow the yard, I better do it for the good of the relationship. Notice it wasn't a suggestion “you should mow the yard”, it wasn’t a question “Can you mow the yard?” It was a command. One that by the intimacy of our relationship she is able to make and I ought to obey.

What does any of this mean for our relationship with Jesus? Jesus has defined the relationship not only for him and his disciples but for us, too. Jesus has made us friends, ones so close that he can give commands and expect us to do them. And the command he gives is this, “love one another I have loved you”. Keep in mind we hear this passage in the season of Easter, meaning we know how Jesus loved. He loved them so much he gave his life for them and us. So when Jesus gives this command to love and sacrifice, he’s not asking us to do something that he hasn’t already done for us.

But what about us commanding Jesus? Yes, I think we have that right. Look at the Psalms or Moses, who give commands and imperatives to God often. Yet, at the same time, Jesus need not obey the same way we do. This friendship between us and Jesus, isn’t quite equal. How could it be? However, we do have something to add to the relationship. When Jesus says you are my friends if you keep my commandments, it’s an invitation to respond to the love, sacrifice, and friendship Jesus so freely gives to us by having friends. It is a part of our Christian calling then to make and be friends, to love one another, and to make sacrifices for their wellbeing. This kind of friendship, John tells us, gives Glory to God and great joy to me and you.

And the reality is, we need friends now more than ever. A report from the surgeon general just last year called loneliness and isolation an epidemic in this country. Americans are spending more time alone than ever before. The Cigna loneliness survey found that nearly 60% of people in the U.S. report feeling lonely on a regular basis.

And while our young people are hyper connected virtually, 16-24 year old’s reported feeling isolated at a staggering 73%, the highest percentage of any group. And the effects of such loneliness are severe.

Dr. Vivek Murthy the surgeon general of the US writes, Loneliness “is far more than just a bad feeling. "It is associated with a greater risk of cardiovascular disease, dementia, stroke, depression, anxiety, and premature death.” Being socially disconnected is nearly as bad for your health as smoking a pack a day, believe it or not. Not to mention the stress it puts on the already torn social fabric rippling across our communities right now too.

So take the risk. Make friends and be friends. I’m not saying this is easy, especially the kind of friendship Jesus is calling us to. It’s risky, it may require hard conversation, and if we do it right, it means sacrifice. But we are all better because of it.

After all, we get by with a little help from our friends. Amen

Resurrection as "Choose Your Own Adventure"

Mark 16:1-8

When the sabbath was over, Mary Magdalene, and Mary the mother of James, and Salome bought spices, so that they might go and anoint him. And very early on the first day of the week, when the sun had risen, they went to the tomb. They had been saying to one another, “Who will roll away the stone for us from the entrance to the tomb?” When they looked up, they saw that the stone, which was very large, had already been rolled back.

As they entered the tomb, they saw a young man, dressed in a white robe, sitting on the right side; and they were alarmed. But he said to them, “Do not be alarmed; you are looking for Jesus of Nazareth, who was crucified. He has been raised; he is not here. Look, there is the place they laid him. But go, tell his disciples and Peter that he is going ahead of you to Galilee; there you will see him, just as he told you.”

So they went out and fled from the tomb, for terror and amazement had seized them; and they said nothing to anyone, for they were afraid.

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Beware and warning! This book is different from other books. You and you alone are in charge of what happens in this story. There are dangers, choices, adventures and consequences. you must use all of your numerous talents and much of your enormous intelligence. The wrong decision could end in disaster - even death. but don't despair. At any time, you can go back and make another choice, alter the path of your story, and change its result.

That’s how every “Choose your own adventure” book begins. Then you are thrown into the thick of some plot. Maybe you're a teenage detective searching for a stolen rare tea bowl like in Cup of Death. Or you’re a doctor for a highly skilled expedition on the Amazon river as in Lost on the Amazon. Or the COO of spy activity for a new nation in the year 2051 as in Beyond Escape.

Did you read these books as a kid or remember your kids reading them? They were all the rage in the 80s and 90s. But if you’ve never heard of the “choose your own adventure” series, they were small chapter books created by Edward Packard and Ray Montgomery, two dads, who loved telling stories to their kids.

Here’s how they work: every few pages you are left with a decision to make: swim up the river turn to page 43 or stay on the shore turn to page 71. Make a run for it turn to page 4 or talk to the shop owner, page 38. And then there were multiple endings based on the decisions you made. At first, you likely made choices by following your intuitions, decisions you would actually make in real life. But then, if you weren’t happy with the ending, you’d go back, make different choices, and receive a different ending. And the allure of the “choose” books was that the deaths were never final. No matter how the story ends - you could get sliced in half by a portal that sends your torso to the future and your legs to the past - even then you could go back and make different choices. The ending was never really the end.

And as a kid… I couldn’t stand these books! I didn’t like hopping around from one scene to the next. I wanted consistency in the story; I wanted some certainty as to what could be expected; I wanted closure. That’s how real life is, afterall. We take comfort that, most of the time, we can anticipate what’s coming next. Sure, this life might be a little mundane sometimes, but at least we know what it holds: we’re born, we go to school, we get jobs. We might get married; we grow old, and we get one ending, the same ending, [we die].

We make choices along the way, but we can’t go back and change them. That’s why my routine loving, black and white thinking, ten year old self didn’t like “choose your own adventure books”: I wanted more closure then they could offer. And my hunch is that’s likely why we struggle with the end of Mark’s gospel, too. It offers no closure.

Mary Magdalene, Mary the Mother of James, and Salome came for closure. They expected to see and anoint the body of Jesus, whom they saw die two days ago. But that's not how this story goes. What they came looking for, they didn't find. What was expected, didn’t happen! “He’s not here.” Says the young man in the tomb. “Look! That's where he was laid”.

They had in fact watched some guy named Joseph wrap Jesus' body in linen cloth and place him in the tomb that’s now empty. “So go, tell his disciples… that he’s gone on ahead of you to Galilee; that’s where you’ll see him, just as he told you!” They fled from the tomb, for terror and amazement had seized them, telling nothing to anyone, for they were afraid.

That’s the ending? That’s no ending. Seeing the body in the tomb, that would be an ending. Seeing the risen Jesus in Galilee that would be an ending. But seeing neither and the women leaving and telling no one because they were afraid, that’s no ending at all! In Matthew the women see Jesus as they flee the tomb and the disciples talk to him on the mountain. In Luke, Jesus walks with two disciples on the road to Emmaus and then has dinner with all them. In John, there is breakfast on the beach. Those are endings!

But in Mark, we get an abrupt pause. An unfinished story. And if there is one thing we can’t stand, it's a story with no end. Joyous ending, terrible ending, we’ll take what we can get; just as long as there’s an ending. We aren’t the first people to be troubled by Mark’s unfinished story. From very early on, the church tried to fill in the story so that it comes to a nice conclusion, like proof of a resurrection and assurance that the women did in fact tell others. That’s why if you pulled out that black Bible underneath your seat you’d see two additional endings. But people much smarter than me say verse 8 is most likely where Mark stopped writing.

So it might be helpful to look at Mark’s version of the resurrection as a “choose your own adventure”, because in many ways, that’s what it is: an unfinished story that you are a part of. You are thrown into the thick of the plot along with Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James, and Salome. While they went to the tomb, you came here this morning. You too came looking for Jesus. Or maybe you came looking for proof of the resurrection, or maybe you came just to hear a good easter story with no loose ends. But what you got instead is the word and promise of someone else telling you that Jesus was crucified but has been raised. And that he’s gone on ahead of you. That he will meet you in the days ahead, just as he said he would. You now get to choose how this story continues…

That’s the good news of the resurrection! The story is unfinished and you get to be a part of it. Death is no longer the end of the story. Through the death and resurrection of Jesus you have new life and it starts here and now. It’s not new life like a “choose your own adventure book”. You can’t go back and change the decision you’ve made and receive a different ending. New life in Christ is much greater than that! Its not going backward, but forward.

New life in Christ means: if you aren’t happy with the way you're living your life, with the decisions you’ve made, or with how your story is turning out, you get to try again! We don’t make the right choices, we don’t love our neighbors as we should, nor do we work for justice the way God wants us to. But because of Jesus, we are forgiven for all that we’ve done or not done, said or not said. And that forgiveness, that fresh start of each new day, that opportunity to try again and again is what we call grace. And that grace is given to you as a gift, no strings attached.

To be clear, no choice you make gets you saved or puts you in a right relationship with God. That choice was made for you by Jesus on Friday. The choice that lies before us now is the same that the Marys and Salome faced some 2000 years ago this very morning. You’ve heard the good news. Jesus is not dead. He is alive. You’ve been given new life! So what will it be?

Will you leave and tell no one?

Will you share the good news with all who need it?

Will you run to meet Jesus and continue the work he’s called us to: loving our neighbors, feeding the hungry, striving for justice?

If so, beware and warning. Because this story is different from all other stories and you are invited to be a part of it. There are dangers, choices, adventures and consequences. God has given you so many talents and enormous intelligence to help along the way. You’ll make wrong decisions, there will be disaster, and even death. But don’t despair. It's not the end. Jesus has given you new life, calling you forward into a new day, forgiving your sins, giving you grace, and altering the path of your story. Thanks be to God.

Amen.