John 15:9-17

[Jesus continued…] “As the Father has loved me, so I have loved you; abide in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love. I have said these things to you so that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be complete.

‘This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. No one has greater love than this, to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you. I do not call you servants* any longer, because the servant* does not know what the master is doing; but I have called you friends, because I have made known to you everything that I have heard from my Father.

You did not choose me but I chose you. And I appointed you to go and bear fruit, fruit that will last, so that the Father will give you whatever you ask him in my name. I am giving you these commands so that you may love one another.”

It was 2012, the evening of Easter. I was a senior in high school. Katelyn had spent the day with me and my family going to church and then for Easter lunch. We had been spending a lot of time together, we both knew there was interest, but we (or perhaps more accurately I) still thought we were in the talking phase, still figuring things out. As we got in the car, I could tell something was wrong, so I asked. And I’m not sure I was ready for the response: so what are we, Cogan? We’ve gone on dates now, I spend all day with your family, what are we? Ah, the moment had come. Time to define the relationship. I was headed to Valpo in the fall while Katelyn would finish her senior year. Would we continue? Or at least try? What kind of relationship was this?

Maybe you’ve been there and had a similar conversation. Defining the relationship happens in the liminal space between acquaintance and closeness. It is a mark of intimacy and trust that was not in the relationship before. This conversation happens because someone in the relationship feels like they aren’t on the same page as the other and there’s a need for clarification.

Or a fast approaching change spurs on the conversation like graduation or moving. And its usually a difficult conversation to have: it risks vulnerability, rejection, but it also could result in deeper companionship and love. We always hear and maybe even say it ourselves that faith, Christianity is about a relationship with Jesus. And that’s true it is, even if you don’t often use or feel the most comfortable with that language. But what kind of relationship is it?

We have all kinds of relationships: think about the varying kinds with your family, or colleagues, or neighbors, or friends. I have a relationship with my neighbor Jo that consists mostly of friendly waves. I have a relationship with Clive, my son, which also has friendly waves. But these relationships are not the same. So what kind of relationship do we share with Jesus? Luckily, he tells us what kind in this passage today.

Toward the end of dinner with his disciples, Jesus thinks it's time to define the relationship. Nothing like a crucifixion to force the conversation. However, Jesus doesn’t really do the DTR the way relationship experts and their articles say. Usually, it’s not a good idea for one person to state what the relationship was and then proclaim it to be something different. It’s something best done or decided on together through Communication, questions, and active listening. Jesus does none of that. Instead, Jesus informs the disciples that their relationship was a master/slave relationship.

In the time of Jesus, master/slave relationships were marked by command, ignorance, and obedience. The master said what to do. The slave, not knowing the details of the task he was doing, simply obeyed out of fear of punishment. This according to Jesus was the one-way relationship between him and his disciples. But something changed. “No longer are you slaves”, Jesus says, “you are my friends.” And ever since these words were written, people have been arguing over what they mean. Some say Jesus didn’t really make them “friends”.

The disciples are still servants, but the good kind, no longer motivated by fear, but motivated out of a desire to make the master happy. But I don’t think that’s the case. Rather, Jesus’ statement is clearly one of manumission, release from slavery, and freedom into a new kind of relationship, namely friendship.

And they are friends because of the knowledge Jesus has shared with them. He’s told them everything he has received from God about his mission and ministry on earth, his death and resurrection, his plan of redemption for the whole world. And the disciples will remain friends if they do what Jesus commands.

Now you might say, “I thought that giving commands was a marker of the old master/slave, one-way relationship. Why can Jesus still give commands to the disciples if they are friends and does it work the other way around? Can the disciples give commands of Jesus?

If we think about our own relationships, we know that servitude is not incompatible with friendship. No, it's quite the opposite, they often go hand in hand. And the more intimate the relationship, the more commands are given. If Katelyn, my wife but also my best friend, says the grass is tall, mow the yard, I better do it for the good of the relationship. Notice it wasn't a suggestion “you should mow the yard”, it wasn’t a question “Can you mow the yard?” It was a command. One that by the intimacy of our relationship she is able to make and I ought to obey.

What does any of this mean for our relationship with Jesus? Jesus has defined the relationship not only for him and his disciples but for us, too. Jesus has made us friends, ones so close that he can give commands and expect us to do them. And the command he gives is this, “love one another I have loved you”. Keep in mind we hear this passage in the season of Easter, meaning we know how Jesus loved. He loved them so much he gave his life for them and us. So when Jesus gives this command to love and sacrifice, he’s not asking us to do something that he hasn’t already done for us.

But what about us commanding Jesus? Yes, I think we have that right. Look at the Psalms or Moses, who give commands and imperatives to God often. Yet, at the same time, Jesus need not obey the same way we do. This friendship between us and Jesus, isn’t quite equal. How could it be? However, we do have something to add to the relationship. When Jesus says you are my friends if you keep my commandments, it’s an invitation to respond to the love, sacrifice, and friendship Jesus so freely gives to us by having friends. It is a part of our Christian calling then to make and be friends, to love one another, and to make sacrifices for their wellbeing. This kind of friendship, John tells us, gives Glory to God and great joy to me and you.

And the reality is, we need friends now more than ever. A report from the surgeon general just last year called loneliness and isolation an epidemic in this country. Americans are spending more time alone than ever before. The Cigna loneliness survey found that nearly 60% of people in the U.S. report feeling lonely on a regular basis.

And while our young people are hyper connected virtually, 16-24 year old’s reported feeling isolated at a staggering 73%, the highest percentage of any group. And the effects of such loneliness are severe.

Dr. Vivek Murthy the surgeon general of the US writes, Loneliness “is far more than just a bad feeling. "It is associated with a greater risk of cardiovascular disease, dementia, stroke, depression, anxiety, and premature death.” Being socially disconnected is nearly as bad for your health as smoking a pack a day, believe it or not. Not to mention the stress it puts on the already torn social fabric rippling across our communities right now too.

So take the risk. Make friends and be friends. I’m not saying this is easy, especially the kind of friendship Jesus is calling us to. It’s risky, it may require hard conversation, and if we do it right, it means sacrifice. But we are all better because of it.

After all, we get by with a little help from our friends. Amen

Matthew 18:15-20

“If another member of the church sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone. If the member listens to you, you have regained that one. But if you are not listened to, take one or two others along with you, so that every word may be confirmed by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If the member refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if the offender refuses to listen even to the church, let such a one be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. Truly I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. Again, truly I tell you, if two of you agree on earth about anything you ask, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered in my name, I am there among them.”

In my next life I hope to be a great novelist. I don’t even have to be a great one…I’d just love to be able to hold a book in my own hands that I wrote—an original story that makes some positive impression and impact on the larger society. I would like to write a story about reconciliation—a heartwarming tale of two individuals at odds—bitter enemies, perhaps—who come to a great reckoning whereby both people grow, change, and recognize that the other person is deserving of love and respect. It would not be a story of one person winning at the expense of the other. It would not be a story of tolerance—as though the best we can hope for in our world is to plug our noses, close our eyes, and merely tolerate the presence of someone else. No, it would be a story that makes it clear there is something profoundly beautiful, right, and holy about overcoming division and developing an authentic love for one’s enemy. But, like I said, that’s for my next life. I’m simply not creative enough to write a story like that.

This my great confession to you today—a disclaimer, really, given the nature of today’s gospel lesson. I cannot think of anyone with whom I had a serious or consequential falling out and now enjoy a restored relationship. I’d forgive you for assuming this is because I’m such an easygoing and lighthearted person that I simply haven’t made any enemies. But, alas, that’s not the case. As I’ve made enemies and had my fair share of disagreements…but not much reconciliation has resulted. What I’m trying to say is, this is an incredibly difficult sermon for me to preach!

I feel like I don’t have a deep well of reconciliation stories to draw from. It’s not something that has been modeled for me throughout my life and it is certainly hard to find today. Forgiveness and reconciliation are not really virtues that are held up by American society. Prevailing over the enemy…pursuing one’s one happiness regardless of everyone else…those are honestly way more synchronous with American values than are reconciliation or forgiveness.

This is pervasive throughout our culture. Most popular books and movies can be boiled down to the same fundamental conflict between good and evil, with the good prevailing and the evil being destroyed. Throw in some outstanding special effects and some attractive people in the lead roles and you’re guaranteed to have a blockbuster on your hands.

I can’t think of many stories that prize reconciliation—stories where conflicting parties overcome very real animosity towards one another, learn to appreciate and respect one another, and accomplish something together that they could not on their own. The only one I’ve come up with so far is the movie, Remember the Titans about the desegregated football team that unites after initial race-related struggles. I’m sure there are other stories and I would love for you to remind me of them, but I think you’ll agree these stories are few and far between—hence the need for my great novel.

We have to be careful because there are a few people who tout themselves as examples of reconciliation, but it’s often a cheap veneer. One I became aware of during my visit to South Africa is Christo Brand. He was a young white jailer at Robben Island—the prison in South Africa that held Nelson Mandela for 18 of his 27 years of incarceration. Christo enjoyed a degree of notoriety following Mandela’s release because he told stories about how he and Mandela had become friends during Mandela’s incarceration. He even wrote a book called Mandela: My Prisoner, My Friend. He has made a comfortable living off the book and speaking engagements; and today through Airbnb you can pay for a private dinner at a fancy restaurant in Cape Town with Christo where he will regale you with stories of his friendship with Nelson Mandela. Though, interestingly, I’ve read Mandela’s autobiography and Christo Brand gets exactly one mention in the nearly 700-page tome. Far from being an example of extraordinary reconciliation, Christo Brand is simply a man who has never had to atone for his role in an unjust and immoral society and instead continues to profit off his role within the apartheid system even today. That is not the kind of reconciliation Jesus holds out as exemplary.

Jesus’ idea of reconciliation involves confrontation and conflict. It involves standing up for what is right and checking your idea of right and wrong with others in your faith community. Jesus’ idea of reconciliation involves the restoration of the entire community, which benefits everyone. Jesus’ idea of reconciliation is unwavering. Recall Jesus says, “and if the offender refuses to listen even to the church, let such a one be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.” This is not permission to dismiss the offender or exclude him from the community. After all, how did Jesus treat Gentiles and tax collectors? He sought them out and never stopped inviting them into the restorative community.

The Christian message itself is one of reconciliation and restoration. For me to say that I do not have many examples of reconciliation in my life is an admission that I have not let Jesus guide me. Christ-followers are to build their entire lives upon the foundation of God’s character and God’s promises. God continually seeks us out, forgives us, invites us into a restorative relationship and community, and equips us to do the same toward others. I take no pride in telling you this morning that I find that terribly difficult to do. After all, what kind of leader would pride himself on breaking relationships and not seeking forgiveness from others or from God? But I hope that my admission will invite you to examine your own life in case you, like me, have strayed from the path of discipleship.

I don’t mean for this to be a downer of a sermon. After all, you are the few who bothered to show up on a holiday weekend so I don’t want to you walk away feeling like you didn’t hear the good news. So, hear the good news. God is characterized by grace, forgiveness, and reconciliation. God’s kingdom is characterized by grace, forgiveness, and reconciliation. And God’s people are meant to live lives characterized by grace, forgiveness, and reconciliation. That is our foundation and our destination. The fact that we see so little of this in these days is an indictment of our sin; but it is also an invitation to seek God’s help as we seek to rise above our selfish impulses and restore broken relationships. God can and will change our hearts, but only if we genuinely desire it.

I pray for you, my brothers and sisters in Christ, that your lives would be infused with stories and examples of reconciliation. I pray that our country would experience reconciliation in these divisive times—reconciliation built on truth and trust in God’s character of grace. I pray that our church would be a place of holy confrontation and accountability, so that when even two or three of us are gathered, God would be among us. And I pray that my life would end up being one great story of reconciliation.

Amen.

What Kind of Relationship

O Reconciliation, Where Art Thou?