Mark 10:2-10
Some Pharisees came, and to test him they asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?” He answered them, “What did Moses command you?” They said, “Moses allowed a man to write a certificate of dismissal and to divorce her.” But Jesus said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart he wrote this commandment for you. But from the beginning of creation, ‘God made them male and female.’ ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” Then in the house the disciples asked him again about this matter.
When Mark asked me to preach today, I said, “Sure.” And then I read the appointed Gospel about marriage and divorce and said, “Thanks a lot.”
On October 6th, 1991, I preached on this text with a theme -- “For Better or Worse.” It was memorable for me for one reason—a woman got up and walked out. She left a note on my desk that I found after worship which in essence said, “Your sermon condemned me for my divorce. I won’t be back.” My heart sank.
Well, we met and talked and she did come back and remains there today. I tried to explain to her that what Jesus is talking about here depicts the ideal for marriage, and that I didn’t make that clear in the sermon. Looking over the sermon I had indeed come down more on the judgmental side of things and that wasn’t helpful at all. Lesson learned—words of grace overcome judgment.
Some of you might remember President Jimmy Carter once openly confessing that he had committed adultery in his heart by lusting and looking at other women. He confessed that he didn’t live up to the ideal of marriage. He and Rosalyn have been married for 75 years now. Close to the ideal, but in President Carter’s view, not quite.
Over the 51 plus years of my ministry, I have officiated 468 weddings (the first of which was to marry my mother a few weeks after my ordination.) 468 --That’s a lot of pre-marriage counseling, rehearsals, rehearsal dinners and receptions. How many of those 468 have endured? Well, if statistics are correct, it could be about half of them or even less than half have endured. So many reasons/causes for the dissolution of so many marriages that couldn’t/didn’t live up to the ideal.
As I looked at my Pastoral Record book at the names and places of those weddings, I was struck by how many of the brides and grooms were only 16, 17 or 18 years old. The oldest bride was 71. Maturity is a factor.
Most of the weddings took place in the church I was serving at the time—northwest Ohio and mid-Michigan, but also on the beach at Malibu, CA; in a swanky private club in Toledo, OH; in a chapel in the woods in Hot Springs, AR; in living rooms; and most recently, in trendy wedding venues— like the Ice House in downtown PHX; a decommissioned Catholic church in Galveston, TX, in city parks, and family back yards. The venues change, but the words—the promises, remain the same— “Will you love, comfort, honor and keep, in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others, be faithful for as long as you both shall live?” Out of the 468 marriages, I never had one bride or groom say, “No, I won’t do that.” But the reality after the honeymoon, tells a different story.
Here is another marriage story. On April 3rd, 2001, I got a phone call from a guy whose name I didn’t recognize. He had tracked me down by making a number of phone calls to find out where I was then serving. He said he was calling to tell me that he and his bride were celebrating their 25th anniversary that day and before they went out to dinner, he wanted me to surprise his wife by saying hello and congratulations, which of course, I did. She was flabbergasted.
His reason for calling me was that back in 1976, she was 18 and he was 21 and their families tried to dissuade them from getting married, but he said, “You believed in us and did the service, and we just wanted to thank you again and let you know that it worked.”
One just never knows about marriages. It was a humbling moment for me, and reminded me that God’s grace is able to over-power our human liabilities.
Another true story…I was back at the same congregation where the woman walked out and left the note. I was there to preach for some special occasion, and standing at the door shaking hands following the service another woman whom I recognized gave me a hug and with tears in her eyes said, “I just want to thank you for giving me permission to get a divorce back in the day.” And it was true, I had done that because I knew the circumstances, and believe that God’s intention was not for a woman or man to live in distress or danger for as long as they both would live – especially when the sinful circumstances would not ever change. The ideal would never be reality.
Yes, this text, these words of Jesus are important, and the promises made during a wedding service are serious and heavy and not to be made glibly. To fulfill them takes hard work. Hard work. I used to tell prospective couples that and they would look at me with a blank, unbelieving stare, like, “What do you mean, hard work? We love each other. We are sexually infatuated. We have plans. Hard work?” What could go wrong? (I see some of you smiling out there!)
What could go wrong? Sin happens—even in loving, infatuated, well-intended marriage relationships, sin happens.
Do I believe that Jesus’ words still ring true and are appropriate for today’s wedding services? Yes. Is the covenant made between husband and wife and God of paramount importance? Yes. The heart of any good working marriage is always going to be the willingness to work at it. To be able to say, “I’m sorry.” To be able to forgive, but then also amend/change/repent of the sinful part of the problem so that it doesn’t break into the relationship ever again. The ideal is still the goal.
As God’s love for you and me is unconditional, so must the love we profess in marriage be unconditional. When the ideal marriage becomes unattainable, we must simply trust in the amazing grace of the God who loves us even as we fall short of the ideal.
Divorce is a heart-breaking reality. It causes unfathomable pain for so many, but it doesn’t have to be the last defining thing in one’s life. Our Christian community must willingly rally around those who are hurting because this ideal of marriage was not lived out. Pastors, Stephen Ministers and close friends must encircle the hurting ones and offer words of love, hope and grace – not condemnation, knowing that God in Christ Jesus is ever forgiving.
I often fall back on this saying—The resurrection means that the worst thing is never the last thing.
The worst thing is never the last thing because the grace of our loving God will always win the day when sin and despair seems to have won the moment. The resurrection of Jesus always wins the day and carries us forward.
Amen.
