Matthew 18:15-20
[Jesus said] “If another member of the church sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone. If the member listens to you, you have regained that one. But if you are not listened to, take one or two others along with you, so that every word may be confirmed by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If the member refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if the offender refuses to listen even to the church, let such a one be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. Truly I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. Again, truly I tell you, if two of you agree on earth about anything you ask, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered in my name, I am there among them.”
It was my first Sunday working at a church in Milwaukee, my first job after college. My first task was to prep the sanctuary and narthex: setup communion, put the plates out, and bring out the bulletins. No big deal I thought, did that quickly and went about meeting folks… that is until Ron called me over and said follow me. He promptly took me back to the Narthex and informed me the offering plates were in the wrong spot. I had them on the ledge next to some pink envelopes. They needed to be five feet over, next to the other pink envelopes, how else would the ushers know where to get them? The last intern never got this right, he said and he wanted me to get off to a good start, so he came to me directly. I wonder if Ron had Matthew 18 in mind that Sunday morning. He did in fact come to me directly, not sharing with the whole congregation, “Cogan put the plates in the wrong spot, gonna be a rough year”.
It sounds small, silly even, but so are many conflicts in church (or at home or with friends), until they become something bigger. No church, or family, or organization is immune from conflict. Because they are all made up of people, and people as we know, are wonderful, sinful beings; we mess up, we’re impatient, selfish, passive aggressive. Maybe you’ve been on the receiving end and have been sinned against. Or you’ve been the one someone else has approached with something you did, or said, or didn’t do and didn’t say. Most likely you’ve experienced both.
Jesus was being generous saying, “if” instead of “when” another member of the church sins against you, knowing full well it would happen. And that translation, while inclusive, limits the intimacy of the Greek that says if a brother sins against you. So it’s not some stranger, but a sibling, someone close to you, you know them; this relationship is important not only to you, but to the larger family. If this relationship is damaged, it hurts the whole family.
What follows from Jesus is often seen as the Christian/church process for dealing with conflict. First, if you are sinned against, go to the person directly, discreetly, and point out the fault. (not email, not text, and certainly not through someone else).
This is good practical advice; it lessens triangles and minimizes damage, both to the person and the community. And if in the one on one conversation, the sinning sibling listens, then the relationship is repaired and you have gained back your sibling. Yet, if there is disagreement on the matter, involve one or two others, not as a way to pile on examples or gang up on someone. That’s not what Jesus is saying. Rather, bring one or two others so that they can testify to what was said between the two parties.
If that still doesn’t work, things get much more serious and the whole community gets involved, ultimately making the decision if the person remains in the community or not. If not, they become like a gentile and tax collector. Don’t miss the irony here; Jesus visits Gentile towns and heals them. He has meals with tax collectors, calls them to be his disciples, the very gospel we’re reading is attributed to a tax collector. Jesus is always about the business of making outsiders, insiders.
Which should tell us more about what Jesus is after than the process itself. These steps are not a full-proof system to conflict resolution. There is no guarantee that just because each step was followed that the outcome was a faithful decision in line with God’s hope for the community.
In fact, there are countless instances where this process has caused more harm than good.
A power-hungry pastor ostracizes an opposing voice by making a private confession public;
a college ministry follows these steps as a way to weed out less committed members;
a favorite spouse is picked in a divorce, forcing the other to leave the church.
You can imagine many ways this process can inflict hurt, doing the opposite of what Jesus intended.
Jesus isn’t saying follow these steps to get your way or to root out all conflict. What’s important is maintaining or repairing the relationships in the midst of conflict if at all possible, for the sake of the community.
And not all conflict is bad. Conflict can be good, bringing about clarity and connectedness. Often, not always, conflict shows a level of comfort and trust. I get concerned when I talk with friends in a committed relationship or do premarital counseling and I ask how communication is, and they say something like, “Great! We never fight”. I’ll quip back, “That’s great! Neither of you are being honest!”.
I think of a story I heard from a pastor. As a dad, he was absent for much of his daughter’s adolescence and early teen years. After sobering up, he rekindled a relationship with his former wife and daughter, 15 years old by this time. For nearly two years, the dad worked hard to rebuild a relationship with his daughter, be reliable, present, and honest with her, careful not to overstep bounds. Then one day, as the dad shares the story, his daughter was doing something she wasn’t supposed to be doing. He called her out on it, and she let him have it… saying to her dad,
“You ruined my life. You destroyed everything. I’ve never had a family, I’ve never felt loved, I’ve never felt like I had any worth. You stole everything from me.”
And she screamed it three inches from his face. And then the dad says he walked outside and got on the phone with a friend and they wept, wept tears of joy because they knew she trusted him enough to yell, to face conflict, not worrying anymore that she’d do or say something to make him leave again. The conflict showed a new level of trust. There is going to be conflict in every community. In fact I hope that there is conflict and that we address it, because Jesus promises to be there, right in the midst of it.
We’ve all heard this line from Jesus, “where two or three are gathered in my name, I am there among them”. It’s so often used as referring to any gathering of two or three people of faith in any setting. And while that may be true, (I certainly don’t doubt or limit Jesus' presence) Jesus is speaking to a more specific situation, namely conflict. When two or three are gathered to sort things out, to argue over something, to confront the hurt one sibling has caused another, to point out a wrongdoing, Jesus is there. We think it’s the opposite, in times of unity or places of peace, Jesus must be there. And that’s true. But here Jesus tells us that in the situations we’d least expect, in the midst of conflict and anger, resentment and reprove, shame and hurt, Jesus promises to be there.
The question for us, Cross of Grace, is what kind of community will we be? How will we do Life Together? Will we avoid tough conversations and harbor hurt, unable to trust the Partner in Mission sitting right across from you?
Or do we want something more meaningful and connected, albeit riskier and harder? Conflict will arise over things big and small, from where the offering plates are placed to disagreements on racial justice.
Yet, the hope is always reconciliation and continued fellowship and that’s the point Jesus is making.
So address the conflict, directly, discreetly, humbly, trusting that where two or three are gathered, Jesus is there. Amen.
