Almost Who I Am

Almost Who I Am

Pastor Cogan

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Matthew 21:23-32

When he entered the temple, the chief priests and the elders of the people came to him as he was teaching and said, “By what authority are you doing these things, and who gave you this authority?”

Jesus said to them, “I will also ask you one question; if you tell me the answer, then I will also tell you by what authority I do these things. Did the baptism of John come from heaven, or was it of human origin?” And they argued with one another, “If we say, ‘From heaven,’ he will say to us, ‘Why, then, did you not believe him?’ But if we say, ‘Of human origin,’ we are afraid of the crowd, for all regard John as a prophet.” So they answered Jesus, “We do not know.” And he said to them, “Neither will I tell you by what authority I am doing these things.

“What do you think? A man had two sons; he went to the first and said, ‘Son, go and work in the vineyard today.’ He answered, ‘I will not,’ but later he changed his mind and went. The father went to the second and said the same, and he answered, ‘I go, sir,’ but he did not go. Which of the two did the will of his father?” They said, “The first.” Jesus said to them, “Truly I tell you, the tax collectors and the prostitutes are going into the kingdom of God ahead of you.

For John came to you in the way of righteousness, and you did not believe him, but the tax collectors and the prostitutes believed him, and even after you saw it you did not change your minds and believe him.

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Back in February, one of my favorite artists, David Whimbish, released a song called Almost Who I Am. It’s been on repeat in my car since. The chorus goes, “Well if you used to know me, I am sorry. I have not been myself for most of my life. Don’t worry. You're not crazy. I’m almost who I am but still not quite.” (warning - if you have children there are a few choice words so perhaps the car ride home is not the best time to listen to it.)

Sometimes there are lyrics that ring like gospel truth from the moment you hear them. Such was this song for me. If you used to know, I am sorry. I have not been myself for most of my life. If you knew a 10 year old Cogan, you would have known a talkative, husky (at least according to my pant size), boy who loved football and thought he’d never move away from home.

At 16, you would have known a teen who longed to be popular and well liked, who held strong beliefs about folks who are queer, and believed racism was a thing of the past. At 22, all sorts of those beliefs had changed, for the better I believe. I got married, said I’d never have a dog, and, not yet having any kids of my own, was an expert on parenting. At 32, I stand before quite different than all of my previous selves, shaped by a past of bad decisions, wrong beliefs, and the harm I’ve done and had done to me.

If you used to know me, I am sorry. I have not been myself for most of my life. And I have to believe I am not the only one who feels like that in this life; like you have never been quite the person you’d hoped you would be.

Perhaps that is what Jesus is getting at in this deceptively simple parable about two brothers. A father tells his first son, go and work in the vineyard. The first son replied "No, I am not doing that” and later changed his mind. The father, not knowing that his first son would change his mind, goes to his second son and asks the same thing. The second son said, “yes, I’ll go.” But he didn’t.

It is easy to hear this story as a simple choice between two options. You are either the second sons, which represents the religious leaders. They believed they were doing God’s will in what they taught and how they lived. But then John the baptist and Jesus came and proclaimed something new, and they rejected it and them, and chose not to follow where God was leading. In other words,they knew how to say yes to God, but they never went into the vineyard.

Others though, namely tax collectors and prostitutes, the worst sinners of the day, grabbed ahold of it with all they had. The invitation for us then seems simple: be like the first son. Repent! Don’t just talk about faith; go work in the vineyard. But I don’t believe this parable comes down to, “Which son will you be?” The hard truth is that we are both.

We are the second son whenever our confession doesn’t live up to our discipleship. We say yes to God all the time. We confess our sins, say we’ll repent, and promise to love our neighbors. We talk about welcome and service, justice and forgiveness. We call ourselves Partners in Mission at Cross of Grace. That is a whole lot of yes to God. And inevitably, we don’t always go into the vineyard. So let’s not be too quick to judge the chief priests and elders. They aren’t obvious villains. They are religious people who know how to say yes to God. Sound familiar?

But thank God we are also the first son. We’ve said no in a thousand ways. We’ve been selfish. We’ve hurt others and ourselves.

We’ve failed to become the parents, spouses, friends, Christian, and church we imagined ourselves becoming. There are things you believed, that we believed, twenty years ago that make us cringe now. Things we’ve said that we wish we would have swallowed. Things we’ve done that cannot be undone. “If you used to know me, I am sorry. I have not been myself for most of my life.” There is confession there. Grace does not take all that away. It happened. It was you.

And yet, “afterward he changed his mind and went.” Just like the first son, our no was true, but it wasn’t final. Our past happened, but it doesn’t dictate our future. “Don’t worry. You’re not crazy. I’m almost who I am.” In other words, I am still becoming. The grace in the parable is that the first son’s “no” didn’t preclude him from working in the vineyard. The future was still open.

And perhaps the same is true for the second son. Jesus says the tax collectors and prostitutes are entering the kingdom “ahead of you”; not instead of you. Their failure need not be final either. Grace is the promise that neither our first answers nor our failures are the final word. Rather God is always at work in us.

Maybe you are sitting here as someone who has more life behind you than in front of you. You’re thinking, “Pastor I am 86. My future is not open and it is too late to repair all my no’s.” Sounding an awful lot like David Whimbish, Luther says, “This life therefore is not righteousness, but growth in righteousness; not health, but healing; not being, but becoming; We are not yet what we shall be, but we are growing toward it. The process is not yet finished, but it is going on. This is not the end, but it is the road.”

Our becoming isn’t finished before death. The Christian promise isn’t merely that you still have time to become a somewhat better version of yourself before you die. Rather, it is after this life, God will finish what grace has begun and we will be made new, complete; the person God intended for you to be. But in this life, you are almost who you are, but still not quite. And to me that is good news. Because like David Whimbish sings, I’m afraid that I am the mistake that I’ve made.

I want to change, or really be changed. I want to be a different person than who I have been, than who I am today. Maybe that's true for you, too. Jesus tells me, tells us, that by the grace of God, our future is open. The problem is not that we have messed up in the past. The problem is believing your past must determine your future.

This parable and its teaching isn’t about being the religious leaders or the sinners, the second son or the first. It’s announcing the terrifying and wonderful reality that God is still at work in us. We are not yet who we will be. Sometimes we can see it happening. A no becomes a yes. We meet people who change us. The tight grip on a conviction we held so tight begins to loosen. We apologize. We forgive. We finally walk into the vineyard.

And sometimes the work remains painfully unfinished. There are noes we will never have time to repair and wounds we cannot heal. But even then, God is not finished. Death does not close the future God has opened. In the resurrection we will finally become who God has been making us to be all along.

In this life, though, I’m almost who I am, but never quite. Amen.

A History of Grace

A History of Grace

Pastor Mark Havel

Matthew 20:1-16

[Jesus said,] “The kingdom of heaven is like a laborer who went out early in the morning to hire laborers for his vineyard. After agreeing with them for the usual daily wage, he sent them out into the vineyard. When he went out about nine o’clock, he found others standing idle in the marketplace and he said to them, ‘You also go into my vineyard and I will pay you what is right.’ So they went. When he went out about noon and again about 3 o’clock, he did the same. When he went out at 5 o’clock, he found others still standing around. He said to them, ‘Why are you standing here idle all day?’ They said to him, ‘Because no one has hired us.’ He said to them, ‘You also, go out and work in the vineyard.’

When evening came, the landowner said to his manager, ‘Call in the workers and give them their pay, beginning with the last and going to the first.’ When those who were hired at 5 o’clock came in, they received the usual daily wage. When those who were hired first came, they thought they would receive more, but instead they also received the usual daily wage. And when they received it, they grumbled against the landowner saying, ‘These last have worked only one hour and yet you have made them equal to us who have borne the burden of the day and the scorching heat.’

The landowner said to one of them, ‘Friend, I am doing you no wrong. Did you not agree with me for the usual daily wage? Take what belongs to you and go. I choose to give to the last the same as I give to you. Am I not allowed to do what I choose with what belongs to me? Or are you envious because I am generous?’ So, the last will be first and the first will be last.”

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I’ve had the occasion to talk about Cross of Grace’s history a few different times in the last several weeks – particularly where our earliest days as a new, “mission” congregation are concerned. And it’s all been related to our latest expansion project and because of the 25th anniversary we’ve been celebrating over the course of this past year or so. I’ve talked about the building with our architects and contractors, of course. I’ve had a recent conversation with someone from our synod, who’s new to the ministry, about mission development and what it takes to start a new congregation. And I shared some of all of that with folks in our most recent CrossRoads class – as I always do – for people who want to learn more about where we come from, and about how and why we do what we do, as a family of faith.

So it all came to mind again when I started to consider this familiar parable about “the workers in the vineyard.”

The story goes, as many of you know, that I was called as a Pastor and Mission Developer, technically, to serve as an associate at Servants of Christ Lutheran Church, up in the Oaklandon/Geist neck of the woods, in Indianapolis, but that all of my work and ministry took place here in New Palestine. I like to tell about how a handful of faithful, committed, brave Lutheran-flavored Christians were assembled from a few area Lutheran congregations, like Servants of Christ, and St. James, in Greenfield, Gethsemane on the east side, and Bethany on the south side, all to serve as seeds for this fledgling idea of a new congregation.

And I like to tell about how Servants of Christ paid my salary and many of our General Fund expenses for the first three years of our life together. And about how Servants of Christ purchased the land we’re sitting on and then signed over the title to all 10.3 acres of it, free and clear, as a gift. And I like to explain that all of that spiritual capital and financial support were a big part of why we were able to build our first building … and add to it as soon and as often as we have … and continue to grow in ways far more important that square footage, in just these past 25 years.

See, for people who know anything about new church start-ups and mission developments in our denomination, what we’ve been able to do in a relatively short period of time at Cross of Grace – namely to build and grow and build and grow and give generously and thrive along the way – usually takes the average mission congregation much, much longer in this day and age.

Typically a pastor/developer shows up in a mission field like New Palestine and spends 6 months to a year just gathering people who might want to be part of a new congregation. Typically, they don’t start worshipping for another 9 months or so, until they’ve been together for meetings and for Bible studies and for other ways of getting to know each other, first. Typically, they have to spend all sorts of time and energy – and spiritual and financial resources – raising money and saving money; finding land and paying for it; or buying land back from the larger Church who owned it in the first place. Typically, all of that needs to be done – and can take years – long before they can even think about designing and building a first facility for worship, learning, and service.

And typically, the first building a mission congregation builds doesn’t look anything like what we were able to build – which was basically the space we’re sitting in that has sustained us and made room for us, these past 25 years – at least as far as worship is concerned. First facilities – per the expectations and demands of the larger church – are usually a lot smaller and can’t foster the kind of ministry – or welcome – that we’ve been blessed to share, thanks to the head-start and help we received from our friends at Servants of Christ.

And typically, because of all of that work and waiting, pastors and mission developers for new congregations don’t last as pastors of their congregations for more than 18 months after they move into their first building, or complete a major building project – let alone three. Honestly – and sadly – it’s just too much of a tiring, conflicted, stressful journey to bear.

Well, this morning’s parable had me thinking about all of this, because when I tell the story of Cross of Grace to others in the Church – especially when I tell it to other Pastors and Mission Developers who know something about all I just described – I get a little self-conscious and I used to even feel a bit guilty about the way we’ve come to be. Having come here straight out of seminary – green as green can be – I wondered if they looked at me like I was like one of those workers who showed up at 5 o’clock, worked for a shorter part of the day, and reaped the same reward my friends and colleagues had been dreaming about and working for since very early in the proverbial morning.

But to feel guilty or self-conscious about any of this is to deny the very profound experience of grace that has blessed my life – and ours together – from the very beginning.

See, the plan for starting new congregations where the larger Church is concerned is what it is and I understand why it has to be that way in many instances. The larger church wants congregations to establish themselves as viable. They want to see trends of financial income and commitments. The larger church needs to be paid back for the land and the resources they provide, so that they can provide those resources for others down the line. The larger church needs to see new, growing communities of Christian workers out there in the vineyard punching a clock and earning their keep and proving themselves. Even the Church, in instances like this, can’t act like God can act – as graciously as Jesus tells us God acts – in this morning’s parable.

And at the risk of tooting our own proverbial horn, I think it’s fair to say that we have been as faithful and as successful – if not more faithful and more successful in our ministry together – because we keep telling this story and working to honor the gracious abundance that has been shared with us over the years.

And, while the larger Church has all those good reasons and real needs for starting congregations the way they do, I can’t help but wonder if all those rules and regulations; all those hoops and hurtles; all those tiresome timelines and tedious ways do everything but foster generosity, gratitude and grace – which I happen to think are our greatest assets at Cross of Grace, and the reason we continue to do God’s work well and faithfully around here.

And I hope and pray our experience as a congregation impacts and translates into the way we live as individuals – and out there in the world – too.

Because if each of us takes a minute, I suspect we can all think of someone or some ways that we have been blessed with a gracious advantage in our lives. I suspect most of us can point to someone who helped us when we didn’t deserve it; gave us a leg-up, encouraged us, supported us, pushed us; loved us, just because. And, of course, by virtue of the circumstances of our birth – most of us as working or middle class white people in this country we call home – are graced with privilege so many others in the world can’t comprehend.

It’s why I have to think those laborers in the vineyard – the ones who showed up at 5 o’clock in the afternoon and received the full day’s wage – were so surprised and grateful that they came back to work for that landowner again. I’d like to think they showed up early the next morning, instead of hanging around in the marketplace all day. I’d like to think they worked hard for their boss, and that they probably brought along some friends to help, too; to experience this abundance I’m sure they could hardly believe themselves. And I’d like to think that landowner’s simple grace and surprising generosity fostered their own.

So much of that is why I work as hard as I do around here – because I’m still surprised and I remain grateful for what was and has first been given to us for the sake of this ministry we share.

It’s why I hope we are all inspired to give generously to what we’re up to around here – Building Funds, General Funds, and every other chance we have to share our resources with the world around us.

It’s why I hope we’re always looking for ways to get involved in this ministry, by serving on ministry teams, by studying Scripture, and by getting our hands dirty for the sake of the kingdom.

It’s why I hope, whether you’ve been here for 5 minutes or for 25 years, you’re compelled by the shear blessing of God’s grace that built and lives and moves and breathes in this place, and that you’re moved to celebrate and share that however you can manage.

Because – truth be told – the work of starting a church and being faithful and growing a congregation and celebrating 25 years of it all – isn’t any less work, if you’re doing it well, no matter how much help you’ve received along the way, or how recently you’ve arrived to the party. My hope is that, because the grace we’ve received from the beginning of our life together is so abundantly clear … and because of the grace that belongs to us all in the life, death and resurrection of Jesus … we’ll continue to be clear and diligent and faithful and generous, in returning the favor to as many people and in as many ways as we can – with no strings attached – as we go.

Amen