The Art of Empathy

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Luke 3:7-16

John said to the crowds that came out to be baptized by him, ‘You brood of vipers! Who warned you to flee from the wrath to come? Bear fruits worthy of repentance. Do not begin to say to yourselves, “We have Abraham as our ancestor”; for I tell you, God is able from these stones to raise up children to Abraham. Even now the axe is lying at the root of the trees; every tree therefore that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire.’

And the crowds asked him, ‘What then should we do?’ In reply he said to them, ‘Whoever has two coats must share with anyone who has none; and whoever has food must do likewise.’ Even tax-collectors came to be baptized, and they asked him, ‘Teacher, what should we do?’ He said to them, ‘Collect no more than the amount prescribed for you.’ Soldiers also asked him, ‘And we, what should we do?’ He said to them, ‘Do not extort money from anyone by threats or false accusation, and be satisfied with your wages.’

As the people were filled with expectation, and all were questioning in their hearts concerning John, whether he might be the Messiah, John answered all of them by saying, ‘I baptize you with water; but one who is more powerful than I is coming; I am not worthy to untie the thong of his sandals. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire.

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This weekend, I introduced my son Clive, who is not yet two, to one of my favorite holiday classics: The Grinch - the Dr. Seuss version. Clive was unimpressed. He couldn’t care less about the green antihero but loved the singing from all the Whos down in Whoville. He lasted about twenty minutes before toddling off to find some mischief of his own. But even in those twenty minutes, I couldn’t help but think: John the baptist and the grinch sure do have a whole lot in common.

Hear me out: both live out in the wilderness, far from everyone else. Both have bizarre diets - one eats locust and honey, the other chows down on trash and glass. Both shout strange things at the townspeople. Both are hairy, at least the Jim Carey version. But most importantly, and oddly enough, both the Grinch and John the Baptist have something to teach us about empathy.

Much like the grinch, John the Baptist wasn’t exactly warm and fuzzy. Crowds came out to him near the Jordan river for baptism. And just like walking into a family holiday gathering, John greets them with name calling and chastisement. Maybe you can relate.

You children of snakes, John says, you think my baptism or being children of Abraham will save you?” he asks. “No, live a life worthy of repentance.” In other words, the messiah is coming and your judgement is not based on who your ancestors are or where you come from, but on how you live your life.

And so the crowds ask him, “What then should we do?” John replies: “If you’ve got two coats, give one away. If you’ve got food, share it.” Then the tax collectors—despised, likely wealthy—ask, “What about us? What should we do?” John says, “Don’t take more than you’re supposed to. Be fair.” Finally, the soldiers ask the same thing, “And what about us, what should we do?” John answers, “Be content with what you have. Don’t threaten. Don’t bully.”

Share. Be fair. Don’t bully. In other words: Have a heart, you grinches! See the pain of your neighbors. And then try—try a little—to make it better. Or at least, don’t make it worse. Give, not just have, some empathy.

This Advent, as we wait for the messiah, we’ve been asking the same question the crowds asked John: What should we do? How should we live? John’s advice is as good now as it was then. Have some empathy. And if there’s one thing we desperately need, it’s that.

A couple of weeks ago at the Racial Justice reading circle, Franci Kissel mentioned an article first published in the Detroit free press entitled, Civility Failed, so let’s try empathy. Nancy Kaffer, the author, says, “I don't think anyone likes how America feels these days… we all know that times are hard, but we don’t agree on why, who’s to blame, or what’s to be done. We cast our fellow Americans in absurd extremes, assuming the worst possible motivations.” Civility would be nice, but if we are accusing each other of horrible things, does it matter whether we are doing it nicely? What we really need, if we are going to get along and see each other as fully human as ourselves, is empathy.

The good news, says both Kaffer and David Brooks, is that empathy can be learned. The bad news is that you have to want to learn it. Most of the time, we don’t. We build and rely on defenses instead. Some of us avoid connection altogether, retreating into work or shallow interactions to protect ourselves. Others feel unworthy of love, carrying scars from neglect that undermine relationships and self-esteem. Some overreact, seeing threats where there are none and escalate conflicts. Still others rely on passive aggression, avoiding direct communication and manipulating through guilt, which erodes trust. These defenses, while once protective, now block us from truly knowing and being known by others.

If we want connection, if we are going to see others as the child of God they are, we need empathy. But empathy isn’t just having a bigger heart like the grinch. It’s not a gush of feeling that washes over you while watching a tearjerker movie. By this definition, empathy feels simple, natural even: I feel for you. But that’s not quite right. Empathy is work. David Brooks describes it as three deliberate acts.

First is mirroring. This is recognizing and reflecting someone’s emotions. A person good at mirroring is quick to experience and express the emotion someone else is feeling. My friend Kyle is great at this: when I laugh, he laughs; when I’m tired, he yawns; I’m angry and suddenly his voice takes on an edge. Mirroring helps us understand what someone is feeling because we experience it in our body too, at least a little bit.

Next is mentalizing. Once you know what someone is feeling, you try to understand why they feel the way they do. We do this by reaching back into our own experiences and relate their feelings to a time when we felt similar. You remember what it was like starting a new job, losing a loved one, or getting devastating news. It won’t be exactly the same, but it gives you some insight into their struggles.

Finally, caring. Empathy isn’t just feeling someone’s pain; it’s stepping in to help. Con artists, Brooks points out, are very good at reading people’s emotions, but we don’t call them empathetic; they take advantage of the emotion rather than offer support. Children are good at reading emotions, but not good at knowing what to do. I stubbed my toe the other day and Clive went and did the same thing. While sweet now we were both crying.

Truly caring is not only knowing how someone feels, but understanding what they need; not what you would need. When I am anxious, Katelyn doesn’t care for me with what she wants, a hug; she gives me what I want, which is space. That’s caring.

Some folks are naturally good at this. But empathy is a skill that can be learned, improved upon, just like a sport or running. It takes practice. Small things, like reading more or acting classes, anything that gets us focused on others and not ourselves, helps. Sometimes it just takes enduring the hardships of life so that you can relate to others better.

Yet, we all have received empathy. Someone has mirrored your emotions, understood your struggles, and stepped in to help when you needed it most. That kind of love changes us.

And isn’t that exactly what God does for us in Jesus? The incarnation, the very act of Christmas, is the most radical act of empathy the world has ever seen and that we’ve ever received. God doesn't stay distant, shaking God’s head at our mess and pain. Instead, God steps into our skin, literally mirroring our humanity. God feels hunger, exhaustion, grief, and rejection. In Jesus, God knows what it is to long for connection only to be met with our defenses. But God doesn’t stop there. God doesn’t just feel what we feel; God acts.

Knowing exactly what we need, God bridges the gap with a grace so powerful that it takes away our sin, breaks through every defense we put up, and restores the connection we so desperately need. Jesus hung on the cross, removed our sin, and each new day pours out grace to draw us back into relationship. That is empathy in its truest, boldest form.

So, this Christmas, I hope your heart grows like the Grinch’s—three sizes bigger and ready to love. But don’t stop there. Empathy isn’t just about a bigger heart; it’s about action. It’s about seeing someone’s pain, understanding their story, and stepping in to help.

It’s what God has done for you in Jesus, and it’s exactly what your neighbor needs from you now more than ever. This Christmas, give the gift of empathy. It might be the best gift they receive.

Amen.

Advent Illuminators

Luke 10:30-37

I suspect most of us have heard Jesus’ response to the lawyer, once, who asked him, “Who is my neighbor?” Jesus told him a story:

“A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and fell into the hands of robbers, who stripped him, beat him, and went away, leaving him half dead. Now by chance a priest was going down that road; and when he saw him, he passed by on the other side. So likewise a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. But a Samaritan while traveling came near him; and when he saw him, he was moved with pity. He went to him and bandaged his wounds, having poured oil and wine on them. Then he put him on his own animal, brought him to an inn, and took care of him. The next day he took out two denarii, gave them to the innkeeper, and said, ‘Take care of him; and when I come back, I will repay you whatever more you spend.’ Which of these three, do you think, was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of the robbers?” He said, “The one who showed him mercy.” Jesus said to him, “Go and do likewise.”

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Yesterday Pastor Cogan and I ran into one of our Partners in Mission, Maggie Higgins, having lunch with her grandmother-in-law, Alice Christle. Maggie and her husband, Derrick, live around the corner from me. It’s likely that I drive by their house several times a day; dozens of times a week; too many times a year to count. Yesterday, I complimented Maggie on the fact that they had painted their fence. It was cool, anyway – this new, horizontally-planked, wooden fence – when they installed it a few months ago. And it’s cool now, since they had painted, more recently. I was impressed that I noticed and remembered to tell her. And glad to pay her the compliment.

Maggie said thanks and asked if I’d noticed that they had also given their house a makeover. It had been yellow. Now it’s a dark gray. I hadn’t noticed. Then she asked if I’d noticed the house next door – which she and Derrick had helped makeover as well. It, too, had gone from an even brighter, bolder, brilliant yellow to a nautical kind of blue – almost exactly the color of my office here at church.

I hadn’t noticed … in spite of the fact that I drive by that house just as often … several times a day, easy; dozens of times a week, for sure; too many times a year to count. And, who knows how many times since this house, like the other, changed colors, right under my un-suspecting, under-appreciating nose. I was shocked.

Houses aren’t people, but David Brooks, in his book How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen – it’s the book that is the inspiration for this Advent season at Cross of Grace, in case you haven’t heard –might say we make our way around in this world, interacting and sharing space with one another like I apparently drive to and from work a lot of the time: on auto-pilot.

(You’ve had that experience – right? – where you’ve gone somewhere, arrived safely at your destination, but can’t remember a thing that happened along the way. “Did I drive the speed limit?” “Use my turn signal?” “Stop at the stop sign?”)

Or, perhaps worse, even, than auto-pilot, Brooks might say that, in our interactions with one another we’re too often more worried about our own agenda, more focused on our own needs, more concerned with how we’re perceived or presenting ourselves, so that we aren’t as open to, concerned with, or focused on what’s going on in the hearts and minds and lives of the people around us.

While his book isn’t particularly, pointedly religious in nature, Brooks does reference the Bible a few times. And he mentions Jesus and the Good Samaritan to illustrate this point. That priest and that Levite, walking along, minding their own business – at best; or deliberately avoiding the business of their suffering neighbor – at worst; were like me, driving to and from, going about my business, paying no mind to the changing houses of my neighbors. (Again, houses aren’t people – but you get my point.)

So, Brooks proposes that we should set – as a goal in life – to learn to live as what he calls “illuminators.” An illuminator is someone like that Good Samaritan in Jesus’ parable, who keeps an eye out for, who pays attention to, who looks for ways to listen to, love, care about, and serve our neighbors – and the strangers in the world around us, too. Illuminators are those people who make the hearts and lives of those around them better, just by being with them – even if those around them aren’t outwardly struggling and suffering, lying by the side of the road.

You all know an illuminator or two, right? If you were with us at dinner, I hope you see now that that’s who we were trying to have you conjure in your mind’s eye and converse about with one another: Those people who have a knack for caring about … and seeing … and bringing out the best in who you are. Those people who have a knack for asking great questions; really listening to answers – and to what lies behind those answers; remembering names, maybe; anticipating needs, perhaps; responding in genuinely meaningful, caring, loving, insightful ways. Don’t we all want to be more like those people?

When (my wife) Christa was in the throes of her cancer treatments … back when the rest of the world was also in the throes of the COVID-19 pandemic … back when we were still worshiping remotely and doing worship by way of prayer vigils, opening the church for hours at a time so people could come and sit, socially-distanced, in the sanctuary to pray and meditate – “together but separately,” as we liked to say – without singing or shaking hands or speaking face-to-face … do you remember those days?

Well, one Sunday, during one of those prayer vigil/open house/socially-distanced worship services, I was sitting in the sound booth, messing with the music, wearing my mask and whatnot; kind of minding my own business. There were one or two other Cross of Gracers here, quietly doing their prayer and meditation thing, when someone I thought was Sara Ostermyer walked in and sat in the back … there … where Laurel is sitting now.

A second later, I got a text message from one of my very best friends, Amy, who lives in Orlando, Florida. Along with her text message was a picture of this sanctuary, our altar, and whatever was currently being projected on that wall, from the perspective of someone who was sitting in the back … there … where Laurel is sitting now.

I was Gob-smacked. (Amy hadn’t seen me over in the sound booth. She thought I was at home or elsewhere in the building. So I took a picture of her from over there and texted it back, just to mess with her.)

As we approached each other, we knew we were smiling beneath those damned masks, even though we couldn’t prove it. And we ignored every social-distancing protocol there ever was, hugged and cried, laughed and wept, and just sat together, crying some more, without saying much of anything.

We were too exhausted by our grief over COVID, our fear about Christa’s cancer, our gratitude for our friendship, our frustration and anger that we hadn’t been able to be together until that moment. All the things and all the feels were living and moving and breathing between us – because Amy knew it was time to show up.

Now, I have to say, in case she’s watching or hears this, that our friend Amy does like to talk about herself and she loves being the center of attention whenever possible. But she really can be a top-notch illuminator on her good days. She’s curious and compassionate about other people. She asks good, thoughtful questions. And, the day she showed up here, unannounced – in the middle of one of the most anxious, sad, scary times in our lives – was one of her very good days and I won’t forget it.

Because after about half an hour here, she spent about twenty minutes standing in our kitchen talking with Christa and the boys – masked and from a distance of course, because of Christa’s compromised immune system. Then she simply got back in her car to drive four hours back to her cabin in Ohio from whence she’d come; all because she knew we were feeling all of the things that had covered us in those days. It was beautiful and generous and kind and compassionate – and illuminating – as David Brooks might say.

But the good, beautiful thing about being an illuminator, is that it doesn’t require such grand gestures – and it shouldn’t be reserved just for close friends and family. David Brooks says it means nothing more and nothing less than working to see what another person sees in a way that leads to the greatness of small acts … “the greatness of small acts” … stuff anyone can learn and work to do:

…like genuinely welcoming a newcomer to your workplace, to your neighborhood, to your church; like noticing the anxiety or nerves in someone’s voice and asking what might be wrong; like knowing how to host a party where everyone feels welcome and included; like knowing how to give a good gift.

And Scripture is full of faithful illuminators – like the Good Samaritan –from whom we can learn these same lessons. I think Aaron was an illuminator for Moses – literally making his words his own and sharing them on his behalf. I think Ruth was an illuminator for Naomi – “wherever you go, I will go,” she promised her in her moment of great need, “wherever you stay, I will stay.” I think Jonathon was an illuminator for his friend David – loving him “like his own soul,” giving him gifts that affirmed his status and met his needs, even saving his life with some really timely advice.

And, since we’re headed to Christmas, I think Aunt Elizabeth was an illuminator for Mary, the mother of Jesus – welcoming her visit; calling her blessed in a world that would never; receiving her and her shocking news, unfazed and unafraid; affirming her faithful choice to carry that baby; loving her when others likely wouldn’t. I think Joseph was an illuminator for the Pharaoh, Eli was for Samuel, Paul was for Timothy. The list goes on if you look hard enough.

And Jesus, himself, was – and is – an illuminator for us all. And how God calls us to do and be the same for the sake of the world – which is why we’re talking about seeing deeply and being deeply seen these days.

David Brooks says that “seeing someone well is a powerfully creative act.” That “no one can fully appreciate their own beauty and strength unless those things are mirrored back to them in the mind of another. There is something in being seen that brings forth growth. If you beam the light of your attention on me – [if you serve as an illuminator in my life] – I blossom. If you see great potential in me, I will probably come to see great potential in myself. If you can understand my frailties and sympathize with me when life treats me harshly, then I am more likely to have the strength to weather the storms of life.”

And Brooks says, “In how you see me, I will learn to see myself.”

“In how you see me, I will learn to see myself.”

So God shows up in Jesus – perhaps the most powerfully creative act of all time – traveling a great distance, like a good friend would, you might say; to see us well, in all of our fullness; in all of our beauty and strength; in all of our folly and frailty; as utter sinners and as absolute saints; so we would know we are seen and loved and held in the heart of the very child of God, himself. This is the good news of the incarnation, the birth of Emmanuel – God with us; the Gospel blessing of Christmas.

And it happens so that, by his example, we will know that we can do the same – illuminate the world he came to see and to save – with the same grace he came to reveal and to share.

Amen. Come, Lord Jesus.